Reader's Discretion Advised

Something about the writing in the beginning feels really forced. I don't know if it actually is that way or if it just seemed that way to me when I read it because I was feeling ornery. But still. It seemed forced, so maybe that says something. Also, the comma after the "But" in the first paragraph bothered me.

Eh, I dunno, the beginning does nothing for me. It's like the narrator's trying to go all Tell-Tale Heart, but it falls flat because then the narrator gets these attacks of self-consciousness and tries to disclaim. Probably why it comes off as just sad and melodramatic in a "trying too hard" sort of way :/

It's especially sad because the author/character spends the entire first page trying to explain why he's not a creep, but by the first break, I'm looking exaggeratedly askance at the screen.

And then there's more awk punctuation. Why a semi-colon there? The second part's not a complete sentence. A comma is perfectly fine. And why a comma after "though"? That's disruptive, like the comma after the "but" earlier. But eh, the last sentence in chap 1's got me intrigued where the previous however many failed to, so *shrug*...

Huh. The kids aren't actually Trent's. Eh. I dunno, I think I kind of would have preferred it if they actually were his kids and not his sister's. The touching of girly parts does not automatically disqualify a guy from being gay, you know. (says I reproachfully)

Idk, there are all these appeals to pathos that fall flat for me. They're a bit too obvious for me, and I hate it when it's clear that I'm being told to feel a certain way about a thing so I don't, but YMMV. I'll refrain from making elitist comments about normals here, and by refrain, I mean praeteritio


...except by the time chap 4 rolled around I'd had enough. You know what; I'm still sad about what happened between Cameron and Chase in season 6 and there's only so much sanctimonious bullcrap I can stand. I just don't feel it at all. It relies heavily on pathos masquerading as logos that I just don't buy. Nice try, but you ain't Tell-Tell Heart.