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Ayanna

Reader's Discretion Advised

...this confuses me. So...it's like tumblr...for books?

Either way, I'm mainly on Goodreads. I do occasionally come here, and also do periodically import my shelves from GR here, but GR is a more sure bet for contacting me.

A Shadow of a Dream

A Shadow of a Dream - Isabella Carter Meh. Third limited, yet none of the interior monologue that would give this piece - and this character, for that matter - character. It makes for a rather bloodless sort of read. DNF @ __ % promise of plot no longer outweighs having to sit through dry narration.


Running commentary:

The main problem with anything out of LT3 is I look for Derr-level writing, and most of the other authors haven't quite got Derr's charm and eloquence with the more fairy-tale genre. It makes reading feel uncomfortably like reading second-rate Derr for me (it's the goddamn layout that makes me feel this way; I just know it).


This story starts off...confusing. It takes a while for it to explain everything backstory-wise, and in the meantime, you kind of have to just nod and smile and move on, seeing as we have no other choice.

The sort of character dynamic the author's trying for could also do with more stuck-up/standoffish-ness from the LI and more scathing sarcasm from the MC, even if it's just internal, seeing as it's third person limited (actually, might be better if it were; would fit the character better). As is, it's a bit lukewarm.


Also, odd usage of a colon is odd. Seriously. It's okay to use a period there. At the very least, it should probably be a semi-colon? They're two separate sentences.


Eh. Obvious writing is obvious. Makes narration blah.


If a man is pretty, then no need to say "though his features were far too fine to make him handsome." Leave off the "though" and that sentence is so much better. (i.e. "He was pretty, his features far too fine to make him handsome." Still a bit diffuse, but no longer seemingly contradictory)


O god. Wow. Man has flower in hat. How did flower get into hat? Good job, MC. You're asking the real questions here. The question of a lifetime.

You know what? He did it. He found it. The Question. The Question to Life, the Universe, and Everything, the answer of which is 42. The question is, "How did Mirza Delano get a real lily onto his hat?" Everybody can go home now. We solved the universe.


No, fool Duke Uncle. MC's name isn't Mirza. Mirza's name is Mirza.

Wait. I wasn't going to quote, but I need to now:

"Mirza!" Rutland scolded before Basil could decide whether or not to answer.

Was asshole MC really considering not answering? For what possible reason? He has no reason not to answer, other than to be a pretentious asshole. What the fuck, man?


Eh. Unfunny bantering is unamusing.


That awkward moment when I'm mentally writing in my own character development into the narration...


Eh. This following scene makes sense with my mental addendum. Without it, it comes off as blah and wtf.


AUTHOR. NOW IS THE TIME FOR SEMI-COLON. NOT COMMA. COMMA CREATES COMMA SPLICE. COMMA SPLICE IS BAD. BAD BAD BAD. I USE IT WHEN I RAMBLE. WHICH IS NOT A GOOD SIGN. NOT THAT AUTHOR COULD KNOW, BUT STILL.

O hey, look, hello 2:36am. Nice to meet you *cough cough* fine, see you again.


No. I refuse to accept that. Why can MC "sense" this guy is lying? I don't accept that as something I should just accept. I demand to know why. "He didn't know why" is insufficient a reason to explain away this coincidentally too convenient sixth sense.


GDI. The plot has started and I still don't know/get wtf the premise behind MC is supposed to be. Something something taboo something publically disliked because of shit he couldn't control something something wait, why is he sniffing? Does he have magical olfactory sense? Apparently.

Gah. See, this explanation could have been stuck in when you had the MC and guy assigning assignment fail-bantering about stuff. Since you didn't bother explain anything, that was basically useless and now you had to interrupt plotty stuff for explanation. All you did earlier was create confusion. Confusion =/= tension. Yeesh.


JFC this is dry. D: where's the MC's thoughts? The tidbits that create the character and give the piece charm? So dispassionate...


Eh. Nope. Can't do it. *nope* I'm out.