After having been personally attacked for my review, I decided to eschew the comment-as-I-read review of sorts I had before and compose something new altogether. I realize this may not make much difference as when people feel insulted or attacked on something they care deeply about, they tend to go on the defensive and discount and discredit any subsequent statements by the perceived attacker.That being said, I hope those who took the time to personally attack me after doing exactly what they accused me of - paying attention only to the negative and not what I'm "truly saying behind [my] words" - actually stop to read the words I write and not what they extrapolated it to mean.I understand the author wrote this when she was 16 and so this is her baby and there's nothing that can possibly be wrong with it because, after all, it's her baby.I know writing can be a rather difficult process and that it's hard to see what is wrong with one's own writing. I know it's hard to not just get everything in your mind written down, but also figure out what else needs to be written since your story already all exists in your head. It all makes sense to you; it's figuring out how to make it make sense to others. It's easy to say too much at times and too little at others; that's what I meant mostly by "needs editing." I know it can be difficult to show it to friends to ask for feedback, but I also know it's important to get feedback other than just "I liked it" because that doesn't tell you much. I know it's painful to have to give up words you fought so hard to get on paper, but generally, I realize that my friends are right; I spent too long describing something that really didn't need to be described ad nauseum just because I thought others wouldn't get that point.I still hold to my previous example, one of which I reproduce below:"I sat and stared at the fireplace. The Gods only knew how long I was there."I'd edit it as "I sat and stared into the fireplace for Gods only knew how long."It still says the same thing but gets rid of a lot of the clunkiness in the phrasing.The work could do with some stream-lining. It does rather read like it was written by a 16 year old. Many phrases are overly explicative or diffuse; much of what is said could be said in less words. There are developmental points that I feel should be explored more, like why exactly Abel went from being all loving to hateful in such a short time period and for so little apparent reason. Much of the presentation can be stream-lined, too. Parts of it - especially when Kain is talking about himself - read like the author's describing him instead of him describing himself.There's a disparity between what the author has in her head and what is presented. As I said in my former review, I can see what the author is getting at. However, I had to extrapolate too much to get to that point. The way these points are presented seem to, as I said, come more from the author than from the MC. Maybe this book would have served better being written from 3rd person because we get the author's POV and not the MC's, which isn't necessarily a bad thing in the right context.You don't necessarily need to find a professional to get feedback on your work. Even asking some friends you know read a lot and will be able to give you actual feedback instead of "I liked it" can go a long ways towards stream-lining your work and helping you put into words a more accurate representation of what you have in your head.I'll admit that I got too worked up and the extent to which I went was rather uncalled for. I do, however, hold to the sentiment, a statement which I feel is probably going to be misinterpreted and exaggerated, but it is what it is, I suppose.I don't know if anyone bothered to read to the end of this, but I can see why there are some issues there are. I had the same problems myself. I grew too invested in my MCs that I ended up unconsciously writing the rest of the world in an unfair and illogical bias against my MC. I think that's part of why I have such issues writing MCs now; my side characters almost always invariably become more interesting than my MCs and my attempted MCs now become no better than plot devices, which is something I'm still working on improving.My original comment-as-I-read rant is posted here.