Well...I've never seen it spelled "gizzm" before...Aside from that, there are a few grammatical points - mostly commas - that could use a bit of work.I'm confused/intrigued by this "dusty demeanor" thing. What would that look like?The wangst is kind of killing me.They got elements of Mary Sue going on. The technical stuff is so vague it seems like the author doesn't really know what xe's talking about and just used something convenient for "angst" fodder.That rp thing is the weirdest thing I've ever heard of. Kissing option, okay. Sex?In a game?What.I...What.O_OIt's...an MMORPG-sim...thing...The sex is very, very purple. And the Big Miscommunication is kind of really ridiculous.In a stupid sort of way.And while it was kind of nice there wasn't a last-minute angst-session, it seemed a little...unrealistic. Jayden couldn't have known a myriad of other background info leading up to this point, so there was no reason for him to react so calmly. Especially since he reacted to the almost breakup by ...mauling cakes in his shop?.